3/4 cup Brain Fog, 2 tablespoons Distract-ability, 1 Spouse, 1 Daughter, 2 Dogs, 1 Bucket of Cats, 35 gallons of gurgling fish tank, TV whoosh noise, crickets chirping in my brain, 4 cups Forgot What I Was Doing, 3 tsp. What's That Word, and 1 Sonja. Mix well. If you forgot, set oven to 325 degrees. Now, sift in- oh shiny pretty thing! I think I have to pee. Looks like it's my turn on Words with Friends again! Oh a FaceBook notification! Yes dogs, I will let you in, out, in, out, in, out, and back in. Does anyone know why the oven is on? I'm definitely not caffeinated, I'm half-inated.
Yes, the joys of sleep deprivation are upon me. School started and my world is upside down. I've been trying to write for the last several days. I really shouldn't ever 'promise' to write. Ever. Not only do I draw a blank, but life things seem to pop up more. When I've actually tried to sit and write this week it has been indescribably infuriating. I want to lash out at the world "SHUT UP FOR ONE DAMN SECOND!" Sleep deprived and trying to focus long enough to write have only equaled a really pissy Sonja this week.
I cannot pinpoint one thing that's bothersome. It is nothing less than everything in the universe. The noise, the questions, the texts, the email, the tasks others want me to do... It is so hard to focus as it is. This week I have settled in to the Christopher Reeves (my computer desk chair is nicknamed The Christopher Reeves- if you saw it you'd understand) countless times, the blogger program open, the tabula rasa in between my ears refusing to create anything other than puffs of smoke within the confines of my skull. Bah. So I've become agitated.
I am going to generalize here. I believe that when a person is diagnosed with some form of ailment, illness, disease, or try to perform a daunting task, they go through the Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief. Bargaining, Denial, Anger, Depression, Acceptance. Trying to write lately has landed me square in the Anger stage. I'm not angry about the MS, I'm more angry about how people (myself included) react to the half-inated, foggy Sonja, and the sometimes unrealistic expectations I've placed on myself. For example, thinking I could write a simple blog.
First Anger decides to visit. Anger comes when other people get upset with me for my halfination brain fog because they just don't understand, or haven't redefined what my new normal is. They still have me as my old normal. When I am in the angry stage here is what I'm thinking "Yes, I'm purposely taking my time responding to you. Yes, I'm ignoring you on purpose. I simply cannot multitask any longer just to tick you off. Yes, I purposely forgot to do that menial task you asked me to do. Yes, I forgot that word because I knew you'd get annoyed waiting for me to spit it out. I'm sorry that you've asked me to do favors for you, again, and I forgot to actually do them- or I've finally gotten so tired that I said no... I am glad that you're so selfish you don't realize the strain it's putting on me. I know, it's entirely my fault." Add a few colorful words in there and it's a bit more realistic.
Then comes my pal Denial "You know what Sonja, if you just sit here and type you can get it done. Sure, you can drive everywhere, pick up everyone's kids, watch the dogs and cats and fish and birds of the world, write a blog, take care of the house, market myself, work, research things that people have asked favors about... It's mind over matter. I'm totally fine. Just peachy"
When I'm hanging out with Denial my friend Depression gets sad (see what I did there) and pushes her way in. So Depression comes in and says "Sonja, I'm going to make you hit a really huge wall right about now. There there... you go ahead and cry. Why you? Well, why not you? Karma? Bad karma? What did you do that was so awful to deserve this Sonja? You know you aren't an angel. Really should've made some different choices... You know you can't do all that stuff anymore. Who are you kidding?"
Then Bargaining comes to town, beats down Depression, and takes me out for a night on the town. First we hit club "I promise to exercise more if XYZ", soon after we head over for some coffee at "I'll do anything if XYZ", which starts to feel a bit desperate and empty so we end the evening with "Please, I just want to be normal."
Good ole Acceptance finally decides to make an appearance. Acceptance changes: "I just want to be normal" to "MS is a part of me and I have a new normal now." Finally... I can breathe and move on. Until the next daunting task, or flare up is at hand. Then it's time to visit my friends all over again.
So where am I now? Who knows. These stages are fluid. I'd like to think I'm self-actualized and living nicely in Acceptance, but I'd be lying. Since school started I have to admit I've been in Anger and Bargaining a lot. Last night I could not sleep. 2 1/2 hours of sleep is all I could muster. I expected the MS fatigue train to hit me at Mach 7 today. Nope. Not once. So my new normal seems to be as spontaneous as me. It's hard to accept something that's not in stasis. Or is it?
This is a learning process for all of us. I'm not the same person I was. My character, humor, appearance, and whatnot are all the same, but what I am capable of doing has changed. And the time it takes me to do it has also changed. So I have a favor to ask... go into your brain and locate the Sonja file. Once you get there please delete the following files: multi-tasking, sentence completion, correct word usage, short-term memory, and whatever else I forgot. Here, read this excerpt from Staying Sharp with MS. It explains what I'm talking about.
Types of Cognitive Impairment Problems
MS symptoms involving cognitive impairment may include:
- Short-term memory loss. This is the most common form of cognitive impairment. You draw a blank on a familiar phone number, forget whether you took your medication, or can’t recall why you left the living room to go into the kitchen.
- Mental fatigue. Cognitive impairment can cause “brain fog” or slow thinking. “In psychological tests, MS patients have been found to tire more quickly," says Dr. Sheremata, leading them to perform less well on tests of cognitive performance.
- Distractibility. You may have a hard time focusing on what you’re doing. Some MS patients with cognitive impairment issues are easily distracted by noise, such as the television or music. It’s also difficult for them to multi-task.
- Verbal fluency problems. You may have difficulty finding the right words in conversations or get lost in a middle of a sentence. However, people with MS are able to understand words they hear and read just as well as people without MS, says Sheremata.
- Impaired planning. People with this MS symptom can have trouble planning and organizing their day. Some research shows that up 40 percent of people with MS are less able to plan than people without MS.
- Complex problems. Mental MS symptoms can impact a patient’s ability to figure out a difficult problem. “You may feel overwhelmed if a problem is too complex and may not be able to come up with alternate solutions,” explains Sheremata. This can lead to poor judgment.
Maybe that will clear some things up. So no, I'm not a moron... Yes, I understand what you're saying to me, but please be considerate and turn off the TV, the radio, quiet the dogs, silence the bucket of cats, turn off the cell phone doodle dangs, blips, beeps, and bells, remember one person at a time can talk, oh- and keep it short and sweet. If that's too much to do would you please refrain from getting pissy with me when I get overwhelmed, overstimulated, and hang out with my buddy Angry? Otherwise, deal with the half-inated sentence stumbling forgetful Sonja who had good intentions of writing, but found the fog to be rather thick this week.
And as always, if you'd like to help me out so that my old normal is more normal than my new normal please donate to my surgery fund.
