A huge source of my stress lately has been school. I know, I know, I've already gone to school, and beyond... but the kiddo has some massive changes to her schooling and it's got me in a tizzy. However, the child and I could not be any more dissimilar if we tried which might be a blessing.
I was in Mrs. Buchholtz's 5th grade class. She had bouncy reddish curls, wore red lipstick, dressed like she had money, and had the attitude that she wanted to be there...Naturally, I did my best to change all that. I was, in the nicest terms possible, an asshole. My poor mom was 'blessed' with 2 gifted kids. No one ever talks about the behavioral components of gifted kids. Let's just say that she had early onset of gray hair with all the challenges she endured from those 'gifts'. Since my daughter, though gifted, is in no way, shape, or form like me- I have NO clue what to expect! Fear of the unknown- Cue the gray hair.
Ah fifth grade... chosen to tell a boy that a girl didn't want to go out with him anymore. I ran as fast as I could up to him and yelled "YOU'RE DUMPED!" Or the time I wasn't paying attention and stuck my hand through a glass door... the year of home perms, taper rolled pants, jelly bracelets, begged my parents for Madonna 'Like a Virgin' and was never allowed to have it, on a new campus ready to make my mark, turn on that spotlight because I'm a star! I was no longer in elementary, I was a hot shot middle school kid. On top of the world... Student counsel, choir, gymnastics, you name it. Academics were easy for me... I was in the cool kids club- dress code= jean jackets. I was sharp minded and quick tongued. And I was always in trouble.
Now it's Chloe's turn... My daughter has had a crush on the same boy forever. She is far from athletic. She always seems to be paying attention. She wouldn't change her hair if her life depended on it. She wears a uniform (thank god) because she has no rhyme or reason to her outfits. She would tell me all the reasons why an album with the word 'virgin' in it is inappropriate for her age group. She has very few friends, would rather not be in groups or clubs, especially ones that would shine a spotlight on her, and math and spelling are HARD! Chloe's giftedness is in language. Her vocabulary is out of this world. Chloe in trouble will happen when the earth is flat and the sky is brown. Chloe hates change. The only similarity is that she is going from one campus to another.
Change is good for you. Living in stasis can literally lead to death. It matters not... Chloe hates that her whole schooling world is now upside down. This is the first year she will have a lunchroom. Hot lunch. Oh yes. School starts earlier in the morning now too. There will no longer be assemblies every Friday. Expectations are different. Playground is different. The secretaries are different. The principal is different. Drop off and pick up are different. It's like Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom going the wrong way at drop off time. And there are big kids there too! I'm getting sympathy acne and an urge to taper roll my pants and wear my hair in a side ponytail.
Since we've been at the same school for all of my daughters schooling career you'd think that we'd have a lovely group of friends to bounce our fears off, to hold our hands, and to reassure us that it will all be fine. Sadly, last summer I had a falling out with my circle of friends. I honestly don't know what happened, and I really don't care. My point is that since I lost the grown-ups, Chloe lost the kids. We are entering the big, scary unknown alone. Or are we? I have one amazing pal, and she has been there with me through it all. We've laughed and cried, gone on random outings, and shared some great moments. We spent every Friday together and had snowball fights, decided to wear mustaches just because, or just hung out while the kids did whatever. She has 3 kids. They are Chloe's best friends, confidants, and kindred spirits. I am forever grateful to have such an amazing woman and family in my life. She knows just how to talk to me, set me straight, point out my flaws, and my moments of triumph as only a friend can.
Wouldn't you know it- she just moved across the ocean. My best friend... and my daughter's best buddies gone *sigh*. It's been very lonely since they've left. I miss my friend enormously. I hate not having her around to mock and make snide comments, and to call my bluffs. She was my partner in crime to take the bounce out of the teachers curls and to smear that lipstick.
Since their move it has been a big growing up period for us as mother/daughter. She looks to me and follows my example. Good or bad, it's what she sees and copies that. I am so very sad about my friend and her family moving but Chloe needs to see that life goes on. More importantly she needs to see that it doesn't mean that we've forgotten them. So we started a care package and add to it until it's ready mail; we made a goal to save enough to go visit them (yes, a vacation that isn't in the bathroom!); Chloe is learning that about living in another country and what the culture is like from her friends perspective. Thank God for Facebook Messenger and FaceTime too!
Chloe also sees that I ask questions. Lots of questions. I went to the school and asked how lunch works, how Friday's work, how drop off and pick up work, the curriculum, and whatnot. I got all the answers I needed so now I am in a much calmer place. The creepy dark abyss of the unknown seems much more reasonable now that we've turned the light on. Chloe too is in a better place. Fear of the unknown is a very real, very stressful thing. Since the middle school beast has been tamed, all I have left to fear is Dayton, Ohio.
15 days. Surgery is scheduled in 15 days. I still cannot believe that I have to fly across the country to get surgery that my insurance won't cover. The closer I get the weirder my dreams get. My brain is screaming. I can read all I want, ask as many questions as I can, talk to the Doctor doing the surgery every day, and it's still unknown. I've never had this done and therefore, it is unknown. I honestly don't know what I'm afraid of at this point. I'm just afraid. I guess that's not 100% true. I'm afraid it will hurt, I'm afraid it will launch other problems, I'm afraid it won't work, I'm afraid I'll need it done again, I'm afraid to fly afterwards, I'm afraid of all the normal things...
I'm glad my mom is joining me. She is a voracious fighter and will be the most amazing advocate and care taker known to all mankind. She has already started doing things here to make sure that I can rest and relax there. She's incredible. My friend that moved overseas has also been an enormous help. Not only was her donation incredible (absolutely floored me) but the thing that really got me was when she said she's not ready to lose me. She's thousands of miles away yet very much here, holding my hand, listening to my fears, reassuring me that it will all be okay.
The incredible outpouring of support from friends, family, and perfect strangers has bolstered up the confidence and let me know that I am in no way alone. While I might have lost people I thought were my friends, the one that really mattered was there. While I thought I was alone, you've all reached out and said 'we love you and we want to help you'. While I will travel out there with what-if's and fears, I will have the most amazing person by my side, holding my hand and helping me through those what-if's and fears.
15 days. Who else can pinpoint exactly when their life will drastically change for the better? Regaining my life in 15 days.
