Buzz, Buzz, doodle-dang

One day I was sitting around doing whatever it is I do while I'm sitting around, when I hear the familiar "buzz, buzz, doodle-dang" on my phone announcing that I've just received an email.  Typically, I don't pay much attention to much of anything that my phone does, and today was no different. Since I've been signed up for every single possible companies email I get approximately 573 billion emails a day. So one doodle is no different from another ones dang. 

Like always, I continued doing whatever it is I do, sometimes that's working, sometimes it's making things, sometimes it's swearing so much it makes a sailor look prude. Yet I always hear 'Good things come to those who wait.' Lately I've been at the point where I say 'suck it' to that. I did every single thing I was supposed to do. Everything. So how can I possibly be a role model to my kiddo and encourage her on 'what to do' when I did that, and I have a steaming pile of shit to show for it. 

Let me spell this out a bit more. To get a good paying job, we are taught to go to college after high school. I went to college. Then I went to grad school. So I did more. We are told to be innovative, to stand out, to create, design, make our mark- I did just that, I designed curriculum that is used district wide to this day because of my innovative, positive ideas had made such a significant difference; those were going to be brought up to the governor even! Impressive right? Meh. 

Every school I worked at I found fatal flaws at. Every time I brought those up I was put in a position in which I needed to find another job. Administrators, I found, don't like it when they learn that very bad things are happening at their schools. My students loved me, I made a huge difference, I made people aware of things that were being covered up, and sure enough, I was always looking for another job at the end of each year. I am ok with that because I know that I did exactly what was needed for those kids. In 2 separate schools alone I was told by my administration not to file abuse charges on children which clearly had physical marks on their bodies of being hit.  When the MS joined me, it got rather difficult to make good on work, and allow myself the time and rest that I needed in order to heal and give me the strength I need to go to work everyday. I told no one about this infestation on my sheath, as it is not required, and continued to do my job with much praise from parents and students. And at the end of every year I was out of a job because I stuck to my training, and did what was right. 

The loss my job, and income, came with a massive price. It was more frightening than waking up with a gaggle of hungry zombies staring down at me while I slept.  I would suddenly wake up and realize that the shit has definitely hit the fan. Again.  

This is not what I had in mind when I went to college and grad school. That's what we are supposed to do right? We are supposed to go to college so we can get good paying jobs, live in houses with the rooms upstairs, a fireplace and family room downstairs, a garage, landscaping, yearly vacations, 2.3 kids and a dog named spot. I did what I was told. I have that dream of that house in my head, I have things I want to do, I have goals, I have a future. I thought. My reality is that I am scared beyond belief that none of it will never happen for me because I am actually closer to being homeless than living the dream I worked so hard for, and and in permanent debt for. Don't feel sorry. Feel angry. And donate to the charities of your choice so scientists can do research and help keep people like me from homelessness.I don't care which- cancer, MS, Alzheimer's, whatever. Any amount you donate helps someone like me stay from becoming homeless and getting well. 

Dan is the smartest person I know. He reads Nietzsche for fun for crying out loud. But, he isn't over educated like me. So when I lost my job, we lost 2/3rd of our income. And we have lived like that ever since. Let me just say that it sucks. Do we pay utilities this month and not gas so that we can get food? Or, do we skip food so that we can have heat? How much food can we grow so that we wont have to buy it? But wait, that just made the utilities go up. Shit, the dog completely tore his ACL and needs surgery. Guess what we can't pay for because we declared bankruptcy due to all the damn medical bills. 

I never see my husband. He is always working. Early morning until late at night. He's been at the same place for over a decade. He got less than 10 cents for a raise last year. Geez, that's helpful. Dan has Chrohn's disease, so he has his own demons do battle. Did I mention how hard he works? And for what? We don't live outside of our means, just in a constant state of stress.

I tell you, for doing exactly what I was supposed to do, why on earth would I encourage my kid to follow this same path? Look where it got me. Yeah! Go to college kiddo! Then you can be so stressed out for the rest of your life because you won't know how the hell you'll pay for the next months bills/food/ or rent. Why the hell would I tell her to go to college? To make things worse, there are plenty of people that just don't understand my situation. They're the 'know-it-alls', you know, the ones with all the advice, tell me exactly what I need to do with my life, let me know I don't want it badly enough, then talk so poorly behind your back it doesn't matter what I said in the first place. These are the people that have never once asked me a single question, or walked 10 feet in my shoes let alone a mile. But always the first to judge and accuse.

My car broke down a year ago. I paid for that car with an inheritance I received when my grandfather passed away. I thought it was a wise investment. And it was. Until I threw a rod. There is no coming back from that, so I had a huge pile of metal and plastic shit sitting in my driveway. Having learned how to be frugal I found my dream car- $42K Volvo XC-90- oh man this thing was beautiful! Alas, I cannot afford $42K to save my life. So I kept looking. I found one, for $9K. Those of you who wonder how on earth I can afford such an expensive car (I'm not driving a porche for crying out loud) it's because I do loads of research. And my husband and I shared one car for years until we finally bit the bullet and bought another. Man, did I got a lot of shit for buying such a fancy car.... All I could do was laugh. People are quite judgemental with zero basis.  

I live in a neighborhood where every single house looks exactly the same. My street looks like a slightly glorified trailer park. I have the best neighbors in the world, and I have done all the work on my house myself. I have made a loving, comfortable space that once you've been, you never want to leave. But, I am faced with losing my home every single month because I cannot work. 

Some of you reading this won't give a rat's ass, and will actually hope for that to happen, and I really hope that all the weirdness that you harbor doesn't give you a heart attack which leaves you dead. Perhaps just the heart attack part and a new outlook on life. I've know some pretty rotten people in my life and it would take something like a heart attack to pull that hatred out of their ass and figure out that life is more about helping others, than hurting. 

So yep, life is constantly desperate for me, I am not at a place in my life to be able to accept higher messages from various guru's when I am worried about my basic safety needs being met. I do appreciate being thought of tho. And since things have been so desperate for so long, and I refuse to live like this, and I am in no shape to do much, I applied for social security disability, and I won. It's still a waiting game at this point, and I have no clue what my benefits will be, when they will start, nothing. But, I won. The lawyer and judge both told me that they've never had a person with a superior IQ come in an not be employed. I didn't know whether to take that as a compliment, or a diss.

So that's what I've been doing since my neurologist suddenly halted my CCSVI surgery with the promise of more, and better treatment, and I was asked to give the doctor a chance? Yeah, I remember that too. Let me give you a lists of treatment and tests that I've had since he abruptly stopped my surgery. I want it to be crystal clear how seriously this was taken on my doctors behalf:


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Pretty impressive list right? Yes, I've left my neurologist and taken matters into my own hands. Before I get into that, why not chat about the other things that have been going on in my life...

As you all know, my family took a much needed vacation to Hawaii. Absolutely nothing could dampen our excitement :) It was exactly what we needed to do at that time, and it was perfect. We stayed in a condo right on the ocean in S. Kihei, Maui, HI. The Kamaole Sands. It was FABULOUS. We had everything we needed and more. Our mornings were spent on the lanai surrounded by all sorts of wild birds, the refreshing breezes of the ocean floating in the air, and the delightful Hawaiian sun. Followed by a stroll along the beach, a swim in the ocean, and making friends with local sea creatures. 

I took thousands of photo's and shared our journey with my friends and family on FaceBook and Instagram. Hopefully everyone was able to take a peek at our adventures. The photos are still available for viewing in case anyone missed them. 

To summarize our trip into one word I would have to say rejuvenating. Hearing that home was experiencing record snowfall amounts while we were basking in the sun, exploring lush jungles and waterfalls, spotting whales and sea turtles, and deciding if we needed to change out of our bathing suits, or just throw on shorts and flip flops, made our time spent in Hawaii that much more enjoyable. 

Rejuvenating in the Hawaiian tropics really bolstered my strength to face the challenges that I knew were awaiting me at home. I hit the ground running with my primary care physician by discussing whatever tests, scans, blood work, and so forth, that I should consider and make that wheel squeak until I had those things done, in order to finally be able to get my 'roto-rooter' surgery that I've had put off time and time again.  Well folks, one surgery, 974 pints of blood, 13 billion x-rays, and an MRI or two later, one back surgery, ambition that doesn't quit, and a fire that refuses to burn it, I read that doodle dang email, I am happy to report that it's finally happening!!! I am getting my CCSVI surgery. Talk about a long dramatic pause between start and finish. 

Tomorrow morning I will be getting this long overdue surgery. My goal was to raise $10,000K and I didn't quite get there. I am about $3K short. I've already declared bankruptcy for medical bills, so all that will happen is I'll get sent to collections for the remaining portion that I cannot pay. And perhaps have a need to declare bankruptcy again.

I had a lot of promises from people about various things that they would do to help me raise the rest of the funds. What I learned is that there are a lot of people that would really like to help, but find out how difficult it really is to make it happen. I adore each and every one of you. Even the nasty bitches with not a kind bone in their bodies. Without all of you, this wouldn't have happened. I needed the kindness to keep going, I needed the nasty bitches to give me a good laugh, I need the trip to Hawaii to rejuvenate my soul, and I needed to fire my neurologist and take matters into my own hands. So I might be an over educated, intellectual pauper, but I've found my job... It's me. I am my advocate. And I am getting my surgery tomorrow. Wish me luck and I'll see you on the other side my lovelies! 

I'd ask for more donations, but at this point, it's not worth it. Personally, I'm sick of asking for help, and I'm sure everyone is tired of seeing requests for donations time and time again. I am honored by the $7K I raised, for the patience, prayers, and love from all of my friends and family, and the enemies I've made. They help too! I look forward to sharing with everyone the impact my surgery had :)  Thank you all again! 

Much love, 
Sonja