The surgery went along fine, life was good, and shit hit the fan with our (now) former friends. We picked up the pieces, moved on, and found new guardians for Chloe. And life was in order yet again. Or so we thought.
One thing you cannot count on is other people to remain the same. I always have great hopes for the people in my life. I want them to be happy, successful, healthy, and never to be without... Unfortunately, it doesn't always happen. Sometimes people aren't who we think they are and we need to change our responses to them accordingly. Which can mean major changes within your own little bubble. In our case that meant yet another change in guardianship for Chloe...
Chloe calls her guardians her 'god parents'. I think it's sweet personally. Now imagine that you are a child. You love your 'god parents'. Now rip them away. Twice. It's not an easy decision for a parent to make. Well, the first time it was. Certainly not the second go around. One thing remains consistent though- the contents of the will. Since I have a minor child I have the option to write a letter, or letters to her, to be opened on specific days, or whenever... I've started my letter several times. But what do you say? What do you advise? There aren't any rules or an outline. No list of ideas or suggestions. And now that I am getting closer to my journey into the unknown the letter to my daughter seems even more crucial than before.
If you spoke from your heart what would you say to your children?
My Dearest Chloe,
I've never been at a loss for words. But somehow the thought of leaving you has left me just that. I've always been good at telling stories, so I think that I will tell you your story. To me, it was, and is, the best story ever written.
You see Chloe, I met a man that couldn't have been any more my opposite if I tried. So he was the perfect compliment to me. He had green hair, blue shirt, blue pants, blue converse, and a blue hat. And he played the guitar. I was hooked. It didn't take long for us to get married. We traveled some, enjoyed each others company, but really felt like having a child would be the most amazing thing we could do.
Chloe... I should have taken it as a sign of things to come... It took us 3 years before we found out we were finally having a baby. To this day you love to keep me waiting. But that's another part of your story my dear.
Being pregnant was the weirdest thing in the world for me. I didn't know you. Yet you survived only if I allowed it. Such a surreal way to exist. I'd like to think I did my best while I was pregnant, but I fear that there are things I could've avoided. What if I were in a better mood while I was pregnant? Would you be happier as a result? If I had less stress would you have been more adaptable to change? I will never know the answers to many things about that time. I can only hope that you know that I was scared, excited, anxious, thrilled, confused, overjoyed... well, I ran the gamut of emotions, but one thing was certain- my universe revolved around this beautiful little stranger and nothing in this world could ever mean more to me than you.
When I was at the end of my pregnancy you decided to show us your sense of humor. How does a baby still in the womb do that you ask? Well Chloe, you'd press yourself up against my stomach in such a manner that you looked like you were shaped like a giant Lima bean. And that's why we still call you Bean all these years later. There were a lot of "Is the Jolly Green Giant really the father?" jokes floating around too... Yes, it was early on that you and I were a tag team comedy act.
After you were born I didn't have a clue what to do with you. So tiny at 8 pounds 12 ounces. Now your existence was external to my own. And I felt it. I loved to hold on to you and sing. I loved to hold on to you and dance. I loved to hold on to you and put ridiculous things on your head and giggle. I loved to hold on to you. My amazing, beautiful, intense Lima bean.
You were definitely an old soul. You were quite serious. You took your time with everything- except growing teeth. Good lord child. You popped those suckers out 4 at a time! We were the envy of all parents. Chloe, I'm glad you did things on your own time, and I'm glad we didn't fall victim to the suggestions of others that went against our own ideas. Everyone has an opinion on how to raise a child, even if they don't have any children. You'll find out when you have kids. I promise.
I know that you've always wanted a brother or sister. I always say that I cannot imagine loving another child as much as I love you. And that's the honest truth. I don't want to take away the attention that I can give to you. I don't want to take away from the time, the opportunities that we have without interruption, and I'm selfish. I don't want to share you!
Chloe do I tell you about the future? The past? The amazing and brilliant person that you are? Do I apologize profusely for the mistakes I made while raising you? Do I beg for forgiveness because I always said I'd spend more time with you and didn't, then I got sick and couldn't? Do I compliment you on every little thing you've ever done? Do I tell you what my hope and dreams for you are? I wish I could tell you the future, I have told you stories, I cannot tell you enough how incredible you are to me, I do not regret the mistakes I made, but rather I thank you for the opportunity to grow and become a better parent, I do ask you to forgive because I wish I spent more time with you, I'm sorry. My hopes and dreams for you are simple- follow your heart, fill your head, trust your gut, and be happy.
Chloe, you've filled my heart beyond bursting, you've filled my head with treasures, memories, and amazing insights I've not known were possible! I trust that I've done my very best in showing you what I feel is a good way to be, and the happiness you've brought me is unsurpassed.
I love you Chloe and I am insanely proud of you! Your wit, humor, intelligence... from the freckle on your palm to your heart shaped nostrils... the top of your head to the soles of your feet- thank you Chloe for the amazing gift you've given me.
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be :)
Love Always, Mom
